Recently, I found myself in a very uncomfortable
situation, about which I will not go into detail. When I reached out for
help, the advice that I was given was that I should "love my enemy." I was very hurt by this suggestion, and
I wondered about it, and my response to it, for a while. After some weeks of meditation on this
phrase, here is what I have realized:
First, I needed to identify my “enemy.” Perhaps the “enemy” is not the person
who wronged me at all. There are
painful memories of those wrongs, yes, but is that person still holding me back, or is the experience? Are the memories actually the enemy? So what does “loving” my enemy really
mean in that case? If I can make
those painful memories useful, and learn from them, and gain a new perspective
on life, is that “loving” them? I
think so. When I use the painful
memories of past wrongs as learning tools, I am “loving my enemy” because these
memories are the real enemy holding me back.
For instance, on bad days I can I feel lost or caught in
them. Sometimes I suffer
bitterness and anger when they come up for me, while others I feel regret, sadness
and loss. So I accept the painful
past. I take the memories on. I say, “I have been wronged, but who
hasn’t? It is not my fault that I
was wronged, but it is my responsibility now to move on from it.” This is “loving the enemy:” loving the
memories of a painful past experience. And now when they resurface, I feel instead grateful
that things are different, or proud that I overcame them, or blessed to have
loved ones who support me no matter what.
The painful experience is actually something I have made useful, because
it has given me a brand new perspective on life and how full and joyful it can
be in comparison.
“Love thy enemy” is a cornerstone of forgiveness. Forgiveness is accepting what has
happened to you and allowing yourself to heal. This is the important next step of my thought process: Forgiveness does not make what happened
to you “OK.” Also, it does not
mean that the person who hurt you is welcome back into your life. You can bless them on their way, but it
is also important to stand your ground.
Standing your ground means making
your boundaries clear and respecting yourself. Neither forgiveness nor “loving your enemy” means that you
have to be a doormat for them to cause you even further discomfort, let alone
more pain. I needed help that
night standing my ground, not help with “loving my enemy.” I continue to explore and work on both.
Everyone has a story, and everyone has been hurt in a major
way by someone, in regards to their own experience. The people who hurt us are and should be
inconsequential. Let them go. As I said, bless them on their way and
stand your ground. This is the
best “loving” that you can give.
Love the memories that have become enemies by using them and
growing. Love yourself, also. Be easy.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Clellan
